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Top 10 Things Not to Do During Your Divorce

Posted on April 14, 2018 at 10:51 AM Comments comments ()

Top 10 Things NOT to Do When You Divorce

Here are the top 10 tips on what to avoid when filing for divorce.

1. If you’re a woman, don't get pregnant. If you’re a man don’t get anybody pregnant.

Having a new baby during the pendency of your divorce is problematic. Not only is not healthy for you or the baby, but it can be off-putting to the Court should the judge find out. Likewise, if you’re a man, don’t get anybody pregnant. Although New Mexico is a no-fault state, the Court won’t be happy to hear that Dad has a new family in the making before he’s even divorced. Also, if you and your soon-to-be Ex are occasionally still on for an occasional “booty-call” beware! A pregnancy can only complicate an already complicated situation.

2. Don't forget to change your will and insurance.

Change your will! If you don’t update your estate plan, your Ex will have a legal claim to your estate in some circumstances. Be sure that you also change life insurance beneficiaries.

3. Now’s not the time to become promiscuous.

New Mexico is a no-fault state, so adultery is not legal grounds for divorce. However, in terms of determining custody, a parent’s behavior can be questioned and parents oftentimes find themselves under the microscope. Courts may frown on a parent’s home being open to new houseguests especially if the children are present.

4. Now’s not the time to discover substance abuse

Substance abuse is a leading cause of divorce and if your substance abuse was a cause of your divorce then perhaps you might want to work on that. Regardless, during the pendency of your divorce, alcohol and drug abuse are not things that will help. If you want a healthy relationship with your kids and hope to have visitation, then keep drugs and alcohol in check. Divorce lawyers love to argue to the judge that the other parent is dangerous to the children because of a recent DWI or rumors of hard drug use.

5. Don’t be a Bad Dad or Bad Mom. Be the best parent you can be.

Your kids are going to need you now more than ever. If you want to be the custodial parent then this is your moment to shine. You need to get or stay in your child’s life. Examples are getting to know the school, including the teachers and staff, visit your child’s extracurricular activities or encourage your kids to get involved in activities such as taekwondo, dance, scouting or gymnastics.

6. Don’t go it alone. Think about seeing a therapist.

There’s a couple of reasons to consider seeing a therapist. First, the divorce process can be emotionally grueling on a person. A good therapist can help you navigate through the mental and emotional challenges that everybody faces during these times. Secondly, many divorces are caused at least in part by such things as substance abuse, domestic violence, mental illness, and financial complications. A therapist might be a good resource to help you with some of these concerns. And lastly, a therapist can document your progress and fitness as a parent.

7. Don't Wait Until After the Holidays

You already know the holidays are going to be difficult. So why wait? Divorce lawyers often see a bump in business before, during, and after Christmas. It's also easier to get used to an empty home before the holidays.

8. Don't Forget About Taxes

Be sure to visit with a tax professional to determine the best tax strategies for you. This includes tax deductions for children, whether you should file “married separately” etc. These are not questions for your lawyer exclusively as most lawyers are not tax specialists.

9. Don't "Settle" Early

Of course, you want out of your marriage immediately but that doesn't mean you should forfeit your family’s financial security. Make copies of all of your important financial documents: pension statements, tax forms, credit card statements, and other records. It will help you become aware of what you own and even what you owe. This is all very necessary when it comes to the legal work that must happen during a divorce. This will make your divorce easier in that your attorney can already begin working on the financial disclosures. 

10. Don't Increase Your Debt

Divorce is expensive. On top of attorney's fees, you will need money to set up a new household. Although the law permits temporary division and allocation of assets to ensure that each party isn’t destitute, this process can take awhile and it can take even longer before you receive your first check from your soon-to-be- Ex if the Court even awards an equalization in your favor. Also, you will be responsible for half of the expenses during the divorce such as real estate professionals, tax professionals, custody evaluators, etc.

I'm sure you may have additional questions. Please contact me and I'd be more than happy to discuss your case.


Eight Important Things to Do Before Filing for Divorce/Separation or Moving Out

Posted on March 27, 2018 at 1:19 PM Comments comments ()

Eight Important Things to Do Before Filing for Divorce or Separation
People often rush to moving out for filing for divorce without thinking it completely through. Here’s Eight Important Things to Do Before Filing for Divorce/Separation or Moving Out.

1.       If possible, remain in the marital residence for as long as possible. In most cases, both spouses have equal rights to the home until the issue has been ruled on by a judge. It’s easier to keep that which you have always had rather than fighting for a home you haven’t lived in for months. If you have kids, this is a good strategy as well since you don't want to have to move the kids out of their home or be the "noncustodial parent".

2.       Gather your important documents like birth certificate, social security card, passport, diplomas, transcripts, banking and financial documents, and remove these documents from the marital residence. Don’t store them in your vehicle or even your workplace.

3.       Make copies of these documents to include making copies of your bank statements, tax returns, credit card statements, monthly bills, etc.

4.       Protect your privacy. Change the passwords for your email accounts, Facebook and other social media, bank account, phone etc. Get a new postal address from the post office and fill out the change of address card.

5.       Get a new cell phone and begin using it and not the phone your spouse knows about.

6.       Review your life, health, and auto insurance policies. You will likely need to get new policies.

7.       Stash some cash and set a realistic budget. You cannot depend upon getting any money from your spouse despite what you’ve heard about “interim division” or “spousal support”.

8.       Consult an attorney who focuses on family law.

What Do Judges Look at When Making Child Custody Decisions?

Posted on November 4, 2017 at 12:39 AM Comments comments ()

In my fifteen years of experience, I have found that courts (not always to be sure) try to make child custody decisions based on what is in the child’s best interest; simple as that.

Typically, the judge weighs a number of various interrelated factors. While the factors vary from state-to-state, they may generally include:
  • The strength of each parent-child relationship. This is called "bonding". Sometimes a judge will hear evidence about the parent-child bond through a therapist's testimony;
  • The emotional and developmental needs of the child. This too often comes from a therapist or other expert testimony;
  • The age and health of the child and parents;
  • The stability of each parent’s home environment. This is called "safe and stable appropriate housing";
  • The child’s connection to his or her community and current school. This includes extracurricular activities;
  • Each parent’s ability and willingness to care for the child’s physical and emotional needs as well as display protective capacity and appropriate decision making;
  • Whether the parents are willing to cooperate and co-parent, and
  • Any evidence of child abuse/neglect or domestic violence, especially in the presence of the children;
  • Substance Abuse;

Depending on the circumstances of your case, the court may award sole legal custody or joint legal custody. The court will also award a primary custodial parent if 50-50 is not ordered. The non-custodial parent will also be ordered to pay child support unless a deviation can be shown.

While some states favor joint or shared custody, others prefer that one parent has primary custody of the child (while the other parent has visitation rights). New Mexico prefers JOINT LEGAL CUSTODY. New Mexico law prefers co-parenting. If you need help understanding how your state handles child custody issues, contact  me.

The Judge Just Ordered Us to Hire an Advisory Consultant. What the Heck is That?

Posted on November 4, 2017 at 12:21 AM Comments comments ()
If your custody case is OUTSIDE of Bernalillo County, chances are, at some point someone will mention an Advisory Consultant. In Bernalillo County, oftentimes families/parties are referred to the Court Clinic. The Court Clinic plays an integral part in custody decisions in many cases. However what happens when you don't live in Albuquerque?

If your case is in Valencia County, Sandoval County, or Cibola County you don't have access to a court clinic to help determine custody arrangements. Instead when parties reach an impasse they may be ordered to meet with an "Advisory Consultant". This is a third party who interviews the parties, the children, sometimes teachers, grandparents, and other "collateral" witnesses.

The Advisory Consultant will then issue a written report and recommendations. The court will usually adopt these recommendations without a hearing. If a parent wants to contest the recommendations, the parent must file objections within ten days.

In the 13th Judicial District which encompasses the above named counties, the court will pay a portion of the Advisory Consultant's fees. An Advisory Consultant or similar mechanism is used in many of the district courts outside of Albuquerque.

An Advisory Consultant is not the same as a Guardian Ad Litem. A GAL is an attorney with experience in child abuse/neglect and contentious custody cases. The GAL represents the child. 

An Advisory Consultant is usually not a lawyer but a trained mediator. This person is tasked with crafting a parenting plan which both parents will hopefully accept and is ultimately in the child or children's best interests.

The point of an advisory consultant or other similar option to provide parents with something akin to a custody evaluation without the huge expense and hopefully contention.

If you further questions, please contact me.

Do You Need a Lawyer for Your Child Custody Case?

Posted on November 3, 2017 at 7:08 PM Comments comments ()
One question people ask me is whether they need an attorney to represent them in their child custody and/or family law matter. Short answer...Nope! You do not need a lawyer to represent you.

In the United States and New Mexico specifically, you do not need a lawyer to represent you. You have a right to represent yourself in court. You can go to court, file pleadings, and argue your case. Many people do. I know this because they hire me to fix the mess.

Truth be told, many people have represented themselves in court and some folks have done pretty well for themselves. But the sad fact is most people don't fare so well. Despite the fact that various NM Supreme Court approved forms are available online, knowing how to fill out those forms can be very confusing. The district courts oftentimes host various family law clinics. However an hour seminar is not the same as years of experience in the court room.

Under New Mexico law judges are to treat people representing themselves called being a pro se litigant, the same as if these people were lawyers. That means the judges will hold a pro se litigant to the same standards as a professional attorney. In short, a pro se litigant will be expected to know the various court rules of evidence and procedure as well as proper decorum. The parent who represent themselves will be expected to understand the applicable law and must be able to draft legal paperwork.

But one of the biggest services you get when you hire a lawyer is a professional advocate who filters much of the emotional stress for you. Many people sabotage their case by being overly "emotional" in court. Typically the other parent or their lawyer strategically pushes your buttons helping to elevate an already explosive situation. Often judges view this against you! They think you are possibly unfit as a parent simply because you displayed feelings; feelings after being pushed to the edge in court. That's where a good family law or custody lawyer comes in. They shield you from much of this and tell your side of the story.

When you retain an attorney not only are you paying for someone to prepare and file paperwork, but an experienced professional who is not only familiar with the law, but just as importantly your lawyer must have rapport with the court and an ability to craft solutions creatively. Creative solutions without all the emotional baggage and hostility.

If you have questions please feel free to call.

Joint Custody vs. Sole Custody

Posted on July 17, 2015 at 2:25 PM Comments comments ()

What is the difference between joint and sole custody?

Custody is a legal term and refers to whom, whether parent(s) guardian, state, or otherwise, has the legal ability to make decisions on behalf of the child(ren). Custody is not exactly the same as where the kids live. The details of where the kids will spend their time, which schools they will attend, which churches if any they will attend, extracurricular activities etc. are governed by the parenting plan. Generally speaking, custody can be divided into two broad categories: joint custody and sole custody.

Joint custody means that both parents share in the decision-making and parenting of the children. Both parents are to be included in school activities, both parents are to be afforded quality time with their children. This by no means 50-50 timesharing or even any percentage of custodianship. Joint custody simply means joint decision-making.

Sole legal custody means only one parent has legal authority and responsibility for the child. The other parent may have ample visitation but has no legal ability to make decisions on the child’s behalf. Sole legal custody is not, therefore, the same as sole physical custody. Nevertheless sole legal custody is oftentimes challenging to get and in most cases is not likely in the child’s best interest.

In most cases, sole legal custody is awarded to one parent over another when there’s sexual and/or physical or emotional abuse involved. Barring something like that, sole legal custody is difficult to get. That however is not the same as being awarded sole physical custody while both parents are awarded joint legal custody.

Judges tend to also tailor legal and physical custody distinctions to the particular case. Sometimes they craft “special joint custody” or “modified joint custody” which can cause some confusion.

That being said, each state has its own rules and laws defining custody. The reader is cautioned to research the state statutes applicable to the reader’s particular jurisdiction.

In New Mexico, our laws favor joint custody. This point is huge! Almost every other jurisdiction in the United States does not. (Readers living in other states must research this point within the context of their particular state.) As you read the law, I want you to pay particular attention to first the opening presumption regarding joint custody but then look at the detail in terms of what the Courts expect in terms of the parenting plan. In other words, this is a very wide encompassing statute. Here’s the law:

40-4-9.1 NMSA 1978. Joint custody; standards for determination; parenting plan.

A. There shall be a presumption that joint custody is in the best interests of a child in an initial custody determination. An award of joint custody does not imply an equal division of financial responsibility for the child. Joint custody shall not be awarded as a substitute for an existing custody arrangement unless there has been a substantial and material change in circumstances since the entry of the prior custody order or decree, which change affects the welfare of the child such that joint custody is presently in the best interests of the child. With respect to any proceeding in which it is proposed that joint custody be terminated, the court shall not terminate joint custody unless there has been a substantial and material change in circumstances affecting the welfare of the child, since entry of the joint custody order, such that joint custody is no longer in the best interests of the child.

B. In determining whether a joint custody order is in the best interests of the child, in addition to the factors provided in Section 40-4-9 NMSA 1978, the court shall consider the following factors:

(1) whether the child has established a close relationship with each parent;

(2) whether each parent is capable of providing adequate care for the child throughout each period of responsibility, including arranging for the child's care by others as needed;

(3) whether each parent is willing to accept all responsibilities of parenting, including a willingness to accept care of the child at specified times and to relinquish care to the other parent at specified times;

(4) whether the child can best maintain and strengthen a relationship with both parents through predictable, frequent contact and whether the child's development will profit from such involvement and influence from both parents;

(5) whether each parent is able to allow the other to provide care without intrusion, that is, to respect the other's parental rights and responsibilities and right to privacy;

(6) the suitability of a parenting plan for the implementation of joint custody, preferably, although not necessarily, one arrived at through parental agreement;

(7) geographic distance between the parents' residences;

(8) willingness or ability of the parents to communicate, cooperate or agree on issues regarding the child's needs; and

(9) whether a judicial adjudication has been made in a prior or the present proceeding that either parent or other person seeking custody has engaged in one or more acts of domestic abuse against the child, a parent of the child or other household member. If a determination is made that domestic abuse has occurred, the court shall set forth findings that the custody or visitation ordered by the court adequately protects the child, the abused parent or other household member.

C. In any proceeding in which the custody of a child is at issue, the court shall not prefer one parent as a custodian solely because of gender.

D. In any case in which the parents agree to a form of custody, the court should award custody consistent with the agreement unless the court determines that such agreement is not in the best interests of the child.

E. In making an order of joint custody, the court may specify the circumstances, if any, under which the consent of both legal custodians is required to be obtained in order to exercise legal control of the child and the consequences of the failure to obtain mutual consent.

F. When joint custody is awarded, the court shall approve a parenting plan for the implementation of the prospective custody arrangement prior to the award of joint custody. The parenting plan shall include a division of a child's time and care into periods of responsibility for each parent. It may also include:

(1) statements regarding the child's religion, education, child care, recreational activities and medical and dental care;

(2) designation of specific decision-making responsibilities;

(3) methods of communicating information about the child, transporting the child, exchanging care for the child and maintaining telephone and mail contact between parent and child;

(4) procedures for future decision making, including procedures for dispute resolution; and

(5) other statements regarding the welfare of the child or designed to clarify and facilitate parenting under joint custody arrangements.

In a case where joint custody is not agreed to or necessary aspects of the parenting plan are contested, the parties shall each submit parenting plans. The court may accept the plan proposed by either party or it may combine or revise these plans as it deems necessary in the child's best interests. The time of filing of parenting plans shall be set by local rule. A plan adopted by the court shall be entered as an order of the court.

G. Where custody is contested, the court shall refer that issue to mediation if feasible. The court may also use auxiliary services such as professional evaluation by application of Rule 706 [Rule 11-706 NMRA] of the New Mexico Rules of Evidence or Rule 53 [Rule 1-053 NMRA] of the Rules of Civil Procedure for the District Courts.

H. Notwithstanding any other provisions of law, access to records and information pertaining to a minor child, including medical, dental and school records, shall not be denied to a parent because that parent is not the child's physical custodial parent or because that parent is not a joint custodial parent.

I. Whenever a request for joint custody is granted or denied, the court shall state in its decision its basis for granting or denying the request for joint custody. A statement that joint custody is or is not in the best interests of the child is not sufficient to meet the requirements of this subsection.

J. An award of joint custody means that:

(1) each parent shall have significant, well-defined periods of responsibility for the child;

(2) each parent shall have, and be allowed and expected to carry out, responsibility for the child's financial, physical, emotional and developmental needs during that parent's periods of responsibility;

(3) the parents shall consult with each other on major decisions involving the child before implementing those decisions; that is, neither parent shall make a decision or take an action which results in a major change in a child's life until the matter has been discussed with the other parent and the parents agree. If the parents, after discussion, cannot agree and if one parent wishes to effect a major change while the other does not wish the major change to occur, then no change shall occur until the issue has been resolved as provided in this subsection;

(4) the following guidelines apply to major changes in a child's life:

(a) if either parent plans to change his home city or state of residence, he shall provide to the other parent thirty days' notice in writing stating the date and destination of move;

(b) the religious denomination and religious activities, or lack thereof, which were being practiced during the marriage should not be changed unless the parties agree or it has been otherwise resolved as provided in this subsection;

(c) both parents shall have access to school records, teachers and activities. The type of education, public or private, which was in place during the marriage should continue, whenever possible, and school districts should not be changed unless the parties agree or it has been otherwise resolved as provided in this subsection;

(d) both parents shall have access to medical and dental treatment providers and records. Each parent has authority to make emergency medical decisions. Neither parent may contract for major elective medical or dental treatment unless both parents agree or it has been otherwise resolved as provided in this subsection; and

(e) both parents may attend the child's public activities and both parents should know the necessary schedules. Whatever recreational activities the child participated in during the marriage should continue with the child's agreement, regardless of which of the parents has physical custody. Also, neither parent may enroll the child in a new recreational activity unless the parties agree or it has been otherwise resolved as provided in this subsection; and

(5) decisions regarding major changes in a child's life may be decided by:

(a) agreement between the joint custodial parents;

(b) requiring that the parents seek family counseling, conciliation or mediation service to assist in resolving their differences;

(c) agreement by the parents to submit the dispute to binding arbitration;

(d) allocating ultimate responsibility for a particular major decision area to one legal custodian;

(e) terminating joint custody and awarding sole custody to one person;

(f) reference to a master pursuant to Rule 53 [Rule 1-053 NMRA] of the Rules of Civil Procedure for the District Courts; or

(g) the district court.

K. When any person other than a natural or adoptive parent seeks custody of a child, no such person shall be awarded custody absent a showing of unfitness of the natural or adoptive parent.

L. As used in this section:

(1) "child" means a person under the age of eighteen;

(2) "custody" means the authority and responsibility to make major decisions in a child's best interests in the areas of residence, medical and dental treatment, education or child care, religion and recreation;

(3) "domestic abuse" means any incident by a household member against another household member resulting in:

(a) physical harm;

(b) severe emotional distress;

(c) a threat causing imminent fear of physical harm by any household member;

(d) criminal trespass;

(e) criminal damage to property;

(f) stalking or aggravated stalking, as provided in Sections 30-3A-3 and 30-3A-3.1 NMSA 1978; or

(g) harassment, as provided in Section 30-3A-2 NMSA 1978;

(4) "joint custody" means an order of the court awarding custody of a child to two parents. Joint custody does not imply an equal division of the child's time between the parents or an equal division of financial responsibility for the child;

(5) "parent" means a natural parent, adoptive parent or person who is acting as a parent who has or shares legal custody of a child or who claims a right to have or share legal custody;

(6) "parenting plan" means a document submitted for approval of the court setting forth the responsibilities of each parent individually and the parents jointly in a joint custody arrangement;

(7) "period of responsibility" means a specified period of time during which a parent is responsible for providing for a child's physical, developmental and emotional needs, including the decision making required in daily living. Specified periods of responsibility shall not be changed in an instance or more permanently except by the methods of decision making described under Subsection L [sic] of this section;

(8) "sole custody" means an order of the court awarding custody of a child to one parent; and

(9) "visitation" means a period of time available to a noncustodial parent, under a sole custody arrangement, during which a child resides with or is under the care and control of the noncustodial parent.

Disclaimer: These codes may not be the most recent version.

Many states have similar statutes but you must find out for yourself!


Where do Child Custody and Child Support Law Come From?

Posted on June 16, 2015 at 8:37 AM Comments comments ()

Where do Child Custody and Child Support Laws Come From?

People ask all the time, where do child custody and child support laws come from? Are the laws in each state completely different? Are these laws even constitutional? Let’s find out.

Family law in the United States comes from several sources. Primarily, family law is a state affair and much of the laws governing child custody and child support are state statutory law. These laws are found in each states’ codified statutes and/or codes. In New Mexico, we have Chapter 40 of the New Mexico Statutes Annotated 1978. This is the “Domestic Affairs” section of the state statutes.

These various statutes are interpreted first by the district courts or trial courts of original jurisdiction and then these laws are further applied and interpreted by the appellate and supreme courts of the several states, commonwealth(s), possessions, and territories. Not only are these laws created by state lawmakers, applied and interpreted by state courts, but these laws are applied in conjunction with state court procedural rules such as the rules of evidence and the rules of civil procedure.

 We also have children’s court rules, decisions, and of course the court orders issued in everybody’s individual cases such as the divorce decree, and the plethora of minute orders and temporary orders which typically are issued in an average case.

So the first thing we must understand is that in the United States, family law especially as it relates to child custody and child support is for the most part under the purview of state law. The United States Supreme Court in Rose v. Rose, 481 U.S. 619, 625 (1987) (quoting In re Burrus, 136 U.S. 586, 593-594) repeatedly insists that “the whole subject of the domestic relations of husband and wife, parent and child, belongs to the laws of the States and not to the laws of the United States.” This line of thinking comes from the Amendment 10 of the federal constitution which provides, “the powers not delegated to the United States by this constitution nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States or the people.” This of course is an overstatement and an oversimplification, yet is still generally true.

Yet over the last hundred years or so, the federal government viz. various social welfare and educational policies, federal courts, and believe it or not, international treaties have changed the landscape of modern family law by means of slowly unifying the hodge-podge state laws. In recent times the United States Supreme Court began to recognize “a private realm of family life which the state cannot enter.” SeeMeyer v. Nebraska, 262 U.S. 390 (1923), Pierce v. Society of Sisters, 268 U.S. 510 (1925) and Prince v. Massachusetts, 321 U.S. 158, 166 (1944).  

The Supreme Court has attributed this constitutional protection to the Due Process Clause or the Equal Protection Clause of Amendment 14 of the federal constitution. They have also cited to implied rights of privacy emerging from the “penumbras” of other textual guarantees. SeeGriswold v. Connecticut, 381 U.S. 479 (1965).

One of the key cases where the United States Supreme Court has helped to change the dynamics of family law was Loving v. Virginia, 388 U.S. 1 (1967). This case outlawed the ban on interracial marriage and reversed the laws of 17 states which prohibited interracial marriage. This case is frequently cited in same-sex marriage litigation.

Very recent judicial lawmaking with respect to same-sex marriage has been based upon equal protection and in the case of New Mexico, our equal rights provisions within our state constitution. This is how the federal courts have intervened in a seemingly state issue.

 There are federal laws which affect family law as well. Most of those which will directly play in your case are likely federal tax laws, federal child welfare laws, and in many cases Medicaid, Social Security, and TANF  rules and regulations. However you should be aware of federal child support enforcement laws, federal deadbeat parent laws, and kidnapping laws. Lastly, depending upon your circumstances, federal and tribal laws may play a role in your child custody or child support case.

Despite these federal developments, much of family law including custody law is local. We discussed earlier that most family law is state statutory law. This law is derived from state constitutional provisions. However we often forget that even local city and county zoning ordinances have an impact upon family because they define “single-family” uses and other residential definitions.

The laws affecting family law especially child custody and child support are ever changing and complex. The best thing to do if you have further questions is to contact me.


How to Guarantee that You Won't be the Custodial Parent

Posted on June 1, 2015 at 1:04 PM Comments comments ()

How to Guarantee that You Won’t be the Custodial Parent

Before you read any further, I realize what I’m about to present is plain common sense. I’m not trying to insult your intelligence but you would be utterly surprised at the number of times intelligent people do rather dumb things when it comes to their personal lives and especially when a court hearing is on the calendar. So I am going to take a different approach because some folks benefit more from hearing what they shouldn’t do rather than what they should do.

I tell almost all my clients that custody cases are won or lost largely due to a parent’s behavior and because the parent has lost sight of what’s in the best interests of their child. These are basic common sense points but if you ignore them, you can put yourself at a severe disadvantage of becoming the primary custodial parent or even having joint custody.

Try To Maintain Custody of Your Children from the Get-Go

This is huge. If you move out of the marital/joint residence and leave your children with the other parent, you are essentially giving away custody. This sounds so simple but many people make this mistake. You can’t move out without your kids–period. No matter how bad the situation with your partner, you need to maintain your living arrangement with your kids. Find a way to make it work. If you’ve decided that moving out is the best thing for you and the children then make sure you get the other’s parent’s consent in writing to do so. An email or a text willdo.

What happens if the other parent doesn’t agree or what if the other parent tries to take the children first? If it is clear that you are getting divorced or separating from your spouse/co-parent, then make it very clear to them that s/he cannot leave and take the kids without your permission. Make this clear in several emails, texts, etc. that you do not consent to the children’s removal. Your partner/spouse, can move out, but the kids need to stay until the case is resolved.

You should also file a Petition for Dissolution of your marriage or Petition to Determine Parentage (for unmarried couples) in the District Court immediately. If your spouse moves out with the children behind your back, then you will have a good case for a court to bring them back on an emergency basis. You will have documentary evidence proving you didn’t agree for the other parent to take the kids.

Stay Active in Your Children’s Lives.

Have you met with the children’s teachers? Do you schedule doctor’s appointments? Do you take the kids to their extracurricular activities? Do you spend time with your children? Do you take them to buy clothes? Do you take them to buy school supplies? Do you attend their school events/extra-curricular activities? The more “yes” answers the better!

If you haven’t taken an interest in your child’s life until you file a Petition to Determine Parentage or file your divorce petition, then you are unlikely to be able to turn it around in time to become the primary custodial parent. In my experience custody needs to be earned from day one of the child’s life. If you were absent from the child’s life or took a back seat to the other parent, then your case becomes rather challenging.

Don’t Alienate the Other Parent

Discuss the children’s issues with the other parent. Do it via email if you have to. You two may not agree, but at least you have a record that you tried. Unless there’s outright physical, sexual, emotional, or other types of abuse, you must allow the other parent to co-parent. This does not mean that you shouldn’t be taking control, but you should also remember that there are always two parents and both have a legal right to input into the children’s lives.

Don’t be a bad parent

Don’t put yourself into a position where the other parent could get an order of protection against you or worse, file a criminal charge.Separating couples often have at least one big blowout. They also are prone to argue a lot. However, don’t ever put yourself in a position where the other parent could make allegations to support an order of protection against you. Don’t stalk them. Don’t contact their job. Don’t contact their new boyfriend or girlfriend. No Facebook or other social media stalking or bad-mouthing. Avoid verbal altercations at all cost. Don’t ever send threatening emails or text messages.

This is plain common sense but here goes: if you drink, smoke marijuana, or use other drugs don’t do it around your children; especially hard drugs. If the other parent knows you enjoy recreational drug use or alcohol use, you might want to consider quitting while the case is pending. Of course, if you have a legal permit for medicinal marijuana this will likely not apply. Similarly if you enjoy other adult activities keep those out of your children’s lives.

Obviously putting yourself in a position where you get arrested especially for Domestic Violence or DWI, testing positive for illegal drugs or becoming promiscuous to the point that the other parent can substantiate it with evidence severely hampers your chances for a favorable day in court. This is not the time for anyone to discover you have a porn addiction or that you frequently drive after drinking.

Nothing guarantees that a court will award you primary custody but there are certainly several factors that the other parent can argue against you getting any custody. Please bear the four points we’ve discussed in mind at all times.





12 "Secrets" to Getting the Custody Arrangement You Want

Posted on May 11, 2015 at 9:23 AM Comments comments ()

Twelve “Secrets” to Getting the Custody Arrangement You Want


As a child custody attorney in New Mexico, I’ve heard it all. “Dad is always at least 20 minutes late picking up the kids.” Or “My ex won’t let me have any say in what happens to our girls.” Or, “I want 50-50 custody because it’s not fair that she should have the kids all the time.”

If a lawyer tells you that they can solve these problems instantly, run. The truth is, if you want 50-50 custody, or if you have a difficult ex who refuses to cooperate, there are powerful steps you can take to break past the impasse. Here are twekve “secrets” the most lawyers won’t tell you:

1. The Parent-Child Relationship is Paramount! The biggest mistake parents make in child custody cases is that they focus their energy on changing the other parent. You cannot teach a pig to sing. It frustrates you and annoys the pig. Take the focus off the other parent and you. Focus clearly on creating a quality loving relationship with your child.

2. All Arguments to the Court Must Be Focused on What’s in Your Child’s Best Interest. Make sure you express all your arguments for custody as child-focused “concerns” rather than attacks on the other parent. Frame everything not in the negative or what’s wrong with other parent but focus the judge’s attention on why it’s best for your children to spend more time with you or why it’s in their best interests that you be awarded primary custody. This of course will not necessarily apply in cases involving serious abuse and/or neglect.

3.  Document everything! Keep a calendar and extensive notes of not only the case but the daily happenings with your child.

4. Child Custody is a Marathon, not a Sprint. Expecting the Court to fix your ex or side with you on every issue is unrealistic. Likewise expecting a quick Court date or speedy return to Court is likewise unrealistic and sets yourself up for disappointment.

5. Use the Time You Have! Many parents despair because they got a bad result in family court. Their typical knee jerk reaction is to order their lawyer to file yet another Request for Hearing, hoping that this time the judge will rule in their favor. A better strategy is to use the time you have to improve the parent-child relationship. You can do this even with supervised visitation. Remember, your children love you and want your attention and approval.

6.  Learn to Compromise. The reason why you or the other parent is asking the Court to impose itself into your personal family life is because one or both of you cannot learn to compromise. Most of the time it’s best to come to some compromises with the other parent especially out-of-court agreements. This can not only save you thousands of dollars but your sanity as well. Even more importantly when you focus on what’s in your child’s best interests often times you can see past your own ego needs.

7.  Be Prepared to Spend Money. Filing fees are relatively high; so are the costs of a process server and copies. All this and you will likely discover that an attorney is indispensable. Retainers are typically in the thousands of dollars and are basically deposits you pay a lawyer to represent you. Often times you will be ordered to split the costs with your ex for the guardian ad litem or custody evaluator. Bear in mind that every time a judge orders your lawyer to draft a minute order or review with opposing counsel a proposed stipulated order, the meter is running. Every time you ask your attorney to request a hearing and file another motion, fees have to be charged.

8.  Learn the Law. Custody law comes from a variety of sources. Realize that Courts look to state statutes, previous rulings, federal statutes, case law, and of course their own experience and biases. It’s not your job to know and understand all of the law. Nobody really can. However, knowing the basics of the law is very important. Understanding what Courts look at  and what is actually the “rules of game” will make presenting your case easier.

9.  Take Photographs, Use Graphics, Tell a Story. A judge’s life is a boring one. Make the judge’s life more exciting by using photographs to tell your story. A picture is worth a thousand words.

10.  Be Good. Behave. The Eyes of the World are Upon You. It sounds like plain old common sense, but when you’re stressed things happen. Be mindful of what you say in front of your children. Word gets back to judges, custody evaluators, and even law enforcement and it will be exaggerated. Always be careful at home and in public. This is no time to get a D.W.I. or Assault charge. Be careful in terms of how your new boyfriend or girlfriend acts if you have one. You are “unofficially” vicariously liable for how your new girlfriend/boyfriend acts especially in the presence of the kids.

11.  Maintain a cordial professional demeanor when in Court. Do not stare at the other parent (mad dog). Never ever act disrespectful to the judge, the Court officers like the bailiff, the court reporter, or even the other attorney.

12. Retain an experienced child custody attorney. These types of cases are emotionally charged and tricky. In most cases you will benefit a hundred-fold from an attorney experienced in Family Law. Just as important find an attorney who has argued cases in the same Court as your case.



Child Custody and the Gay Parent

Posted on March 30, 2015 at 11:35 AM Comments comments ()
New Mexico recognizes marriage between same-sex people. Our New Mexico Supreme Court "legalized" same-sex marriage in December of 2013. SeeGriego v. Oliver.

The Court said in an unanimous decision that it is unconstitutional to deny marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples.

"We hold that the State of New Mexico is constitutionally required to allow same-gender couples to marry and must extend to them the rights, protections, and responsibilities that derive from civil marriage under New Mexico law," Justice Edward L. Chavez wrote in the decision.

Several counties in New Mexico had already been issuing marriage licenses to gay couples, setting up the state Supreme Court to decide whether it was legal or not. New Mexico becomes the 17th state to legalize gay marriage.

The United States Supreme Court is expected to decide upon the legality of same-sex marriage in April 2015.

All that being said, in New Mexico the same set of laws providing for divorce and child custody apply to same-sex marriages and the same laws which govern custody will govern custody for same-sex couples. The 2012 case, Chatterjee v. King, provides among many things that parties in same sex relationships have the same rights to petition the Court for parentage, custody, and child support, as any other parent. This case is huge because when coupled with the Griego case, LGBT people enjoy the exact same legal schema for marriage, divorce, and child rearing as anyone else.

Additionally, nothing within the New Mexico adoption law prohibits same-sex couples from adopting. I have personally witnessed within the last sixty calendar days from today, a same-sex couple adopt two young children. These boys were part of the foster system for years and these two men took great care of them as fosters.

Here's some statistics. I realize it's not the freshest numbers but it's what I could find on point.

In April 2008, the Williams Institute of the UCLA School of Law, using data from the United States Census Bureau issued a "Census Snapshot" that concluded, "While in many respects New Mexico's same-sex couples look like married couples, same-sex couples with children have fewer economic resources to provide for their families than married parents and lower rates of home ownership."

Analyzing census data on same-sex unmarried-partner households, the report determined that:

  • In 2000, there were 4,496 same-sex couples living in New Mexico. By 2005, the number of same-sex couples disclosing their partnerships to the census bureau had increased to 6,063.
  • In 2005, there were an estimated 68,411 gay, lesbian, and bisexual people (single and coupled) living in New Mexico.
  • There are more female same-sex couples (58%) than male same-sex couples (42%) in New Mexico.
  • Individuals in same-sex couples are, on average, 42 years old, and significantly younger than individuals in married couples (48 years old) in New Mexico.
  • Same-sex couples live in every county in New Mexico and constitute 1.2% of coupled households and 0.7% of all households in the state.
  • 71% of individuals in same-sex couples are employed, compared to 60% of married individuals.
  • The average household income of same-sex couples is $53,720, compared to $59,692 for married couples. The median income of both same-sex and married coupled households in New Mexico is $47,000.
  • 66% of same-sex couples in New Mexico own their home, compared to 83% of married couples.
  • 27% of same-sex couples in New Mexico are raising children under the age of 18.
  • As of 2005, an estimated 3,624 of New Mexico's children were living in households headed by same-sex couples.
  • 9% of New Mexico's adopted children (or 1,056 children) live with a lesbian or gay parent.

Based upon my experience, I can personally attest to the fact that without same-sex couples and gay people volunteering themselves as foster parents, New Mexico child welfare would be in a far worse place. If you have any questions, please contact me.

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